What is it about human nature? Some of us want what we can’t have, and don’t want what we can have easily. Why is that so? Is this our animal instinct of hunting? Is it that because we all want a challenge? Or, is it simply because we are afraid to admit what we really want, let alone act on it?
Sometimes we are so close to what we want, we know we want it, we know we just need to take one more step, and we feel it will be good. We just know. And then we scare. Scare of what? Of the unknown? Of the possibility that we will not like it? Or, simply, of the possibility that we will?
Is it because we secretly want some kind of challenge to justify that it is worth it? Well, when we get that challenge, we spent sleepless nights thinking why and how.
Is there a balance? Maybe there is not. But if you are ever faced with that kind of dilemma, think, why are you scared? Is it because you want it so much? And is it worth taking the risk of loosing something, just because of fear? Isn’t it better to do and see what happens than regret not knowing what could have been?
I wish the answer was ‘never.’ I really do. I wish everything was clear and simple. It never is, however.
When do we start doubting? When something goes wrong? When we stop understanding something? When we see sudden unpleasant changes? What if we can honestly and with clear consience say that we have been doing everything possible to keep doubts out of our minds and souls? But what if … we are doubting.. not ourselves? Does that mean we cannot do anything about those doubts? Nothing to improve the situation?
I guess we cannot. Time will show. And we cannot control time. We cannot control the situation. There is only so much we can do. Everything else should be left to time… It will show everything.. My wish is only that that far away moment, which we are looking for does not procrastinate, does not run away from us. My wish is that at that moment in future, no matter what happens, we still can see the meaning in what have been done in the past, in what have happened, and in what the efforts and hopes been put for.
Someone once told me, “Memory is something that I appreciate so much. Thanks to it, I rememeber things and feelings that will never happen again, thanks to it I remember things I am looking forward to, and thanks to it I am a better person…”
Memory… Isn’t that something so wonderful? Memories triggered by so many little things – smells, looks, pictures, touch – they bring our feelings back, revive us, remind of what is possible and what we want.
Sometimes we wish we had no memory, sometimes we wish we’d forget… Sometimes we wish we didn’t do something, sometimes we wish we hadn’t done mistakes.. Memory is something that continues teaching us over and over again. Memory lets us not to repeat mistakes. However, by trying to avoid repeating mistakes of the past, we need to make sure that we don’t make new ones, ones that are harder to correct.
I remember that saying about memory more and more often… And at the moment I heard it, I thought that it was a rather trivial statement. However, only with time I realized how much that statement means. Memories are something I appreciate a lot, because without them, many of us would have already given up.
“Не бойтесь говорить “Люблю”, тем, кто вам дорог бесконечно!
Ведь в этом мире мы не вечны – всегда на грани, на краю…
Себя не бойтесь потерять, даря восторженность улыбок!
И незначительность ошибок учитесь искренне прощать!
И пусть в душе не гаснет свет, и пусть в любви мы безоружны,
Но счастья быть кому-то нужным – важнее в нашей жизни нет!”
Январь 2006 года…
Она только что написала имейл подруге и, теперь сидела одна, в темноте своей комнаты. Она чувствовала всю боль, которую ей причинил недавний телефонный разговор. У нее не было сил что-то сделать; она слушала музыку, не внимая словам, и слезы беспомощно лились из ее грустных, смотрящих вдаль, глаз.
Она смотрела в прошлое… Куда все ушло? Разве так бывает? Она еще раз, уже в миллионный раз, вспомнила его, его глаза, его губы, руки, его манеру делать медлунный вдох, когда он увлеченно о чем-то рассказывал, его нежные слова, его нежный, наполненный лаской и умилением, взгляд. Неужели все это, все то, что он к ней испытывал, могло так бесследно испарится, исчезнуть вникуда? Она отказывалась верить. Но что же делать? Она так и не смогла поставить точки. Она не успокоилась, она ждала его смс, ждала его звонка, желала встречи с ним… Кто-то недавно сказал ей, что он провел субботу с другой.. Слезы, остановившиеся было на секунду, снова полились из ее глаз, оставляя следы растекшейся туши на щеках. Она почувствовала соль собственных слез; они были горячими. Они обжигали ее лицо, в них сгорало ее сердце…
Поднимая глаза и встречая ее робкий взгляд, он нежно поцеловал ее руку: «Видно не просто так мы встретились..» – воспоминания с новой силой захлестнули ее воображение. С той же силой эмоций она почувствовала все, что было когда-то наяву.. она знала, что всего не вернуть, но хотела верить, что это еще не конец: не конец ее надежд и мечтаний. Она так ждала. Но когда? Но как? Она хотела забыть его, не хотела ничего чувствовать, ничего! Хотела вычеркнуть, но не могла; она ставила запятую… Она невольно продолжала мучать себя.. Она думала, что любила.. Может, так и было..
Услышав слова песни: «Я подожду пока, все еще не раз изменится», она закрыла глаза и, забывшись в слезах и все еще на что-то надеясь, уснула.
Прошлое еще не раз изменилось.
Everything is great! I cannot complain 🙂 and am not going to) However, I am desperately missing some things I had had in Ukraine. One of them is this beautiful autumn which is filling Ukrainian cities right now. The magnificent autum with its colorful orange, green, yellow, brown – autumn trees, just now I realized how much it means. Did you notice those trees look like if an artist just painted them – still juicy, still fresh – and then blew life in them, life which revives feelings and dreams? I noticed. I miss it. My spirit, mind, and body greatly miss autumn, with its grey, sleaky dirt, with its welcoming warm and shivering cold rains, with its hurrying crowds in the metros and arguing people in the buses. I miss all that.
I miss my walking to the university along the Prospect Pobedy in the morning while I was still sleepy but excited I would spend another day with people dear to me. I remember that sound of the noisy but so dear Prosect, with its cars and buses. I remeber those ‘perehodi’ we used to fear at night sometimes. I miss my elevator which floor looked like it was going to fall away any minute 🙂 I miss the evenings at Harchevnya where we used to laugh so hard that my mouth and stomach muscles hurt 🙂 I remember returning from the university in the cold, rainy, snowy, warm, and hot evenings when I took a walk instead of taking a bus. I miss all that.
Hm, I have been writing this blog for some time, and still it is not perfect, oh well, let it be as it is)))
What is unusual, however, is that I miss all that with some certain feeling, a feeling of warm nostalgie, not just sadness. When it is raining here, I remember Ukrainian autumn. When a rainbow comes out after the rain, I remember the early Ukrainian spring. I remember, miss a lot, and smile 🙂
“Fan Ch’ih was in attendance during an outing to the Rain Altar. He said, ‘May I ask about the exaltation of virtue, the reformation of the depraved, and the recognition of misguided judgment?’ The Master [Confucius] said, ‘What a splendid question! To put service before the reward you get for it, is that not exaltation of virtue? To attack evil as evil and not as evil of a particular man, is that not the way to reform the depraved? To let a sudden fit of anger to make you forget the safety of your own person or even that of your parents, is that not misguided judgment?’ Confucius, Book XII, Analect 21.
“The Master [Confucius] said, ‘The gentleman helps others to realize what is good in them; he does not help them to realize what is bad in them. The small man does the opposite.'” Confucius, Book XII, Analect 16.
“The Master [Confucius] said, ‘In his dealings with the world the gentleman is not invariably for or against anything. He is on the side of what is moral.'” Confucius, Book IV, Analect 10.
Right now I am sitting at the computer class of my university writing this blog. I have only two classes today, though I came an hour earlier to use Internet) Just like in Kiev)
I have already attended my four classes and would like to share my experience with you. You will understand why I am so excited about telling you this!
The first class I went to was Introduction to Visual Arts. It was pretty interesting. The professor told us what we were going to study, told us about art projects we were going to perform, about the art kit with the paints and brushes we had to get, introduced himself and so on. I think this class will be very good for me as I like arts and love to paint.
The next class was Analyzing and Writing Arguments. And this is when I clearly remembered Mrs. Kristina Gray)) Our professor is Polish but is very experienced in an American writing style, and this is what we are going to do in this class: write essays, make PowerPoint presentations, work on using citations, write a research paper, perform peer review and feedback (reading each others papers), and twice a week we will have to do something in the Internet (remember how we had to write blogs three times a week?). Dear Mrs. Gray, if you are reading this, thank you very much for your classes. Now I feel so prepared for all these 🙂
The next class was Mathematics. It will not be very hard I think. I am even thinking about taking a Placement test in order to go to a higher level. Now, this is what I was going to tell: usually we will not need the book, we will have to do our homework, as most of the problems on the exams will be exactly the same as ones in the homework; we will have 6 exams, but if we receive As on 5 of them, we will not have to take the Final!!!! What is that reminding you about, ha? 🙂
And the last class, Classical Studies, Great Books, East and West. This class promises to be challenging (actually others as well). There we will read “The Republic” by Plato, “The Analects” by Confucius, and several ones describing the democracy in Athens, and some telling about Wanli Emperor and the Ming Dynasty! Isn’t it great? We will have two games at this class where we will be given roles of government assembly. One game will be based on democracy in Athens in 403 B.C., and the other one on goverment of China. The goal will be to get ourselves elected) But one of the main purposes is to understand how democracy really worked in those times, how it started, and how it changed. While in this class, we also will have to use two websites, one will be for blogging as well, and one for submitting our works.
I think I will not be bored even though I have only four classes. Already for Monday I have about 150 pages to read, and several tasks to write) Plus, I will get more homework today)) And this is only beginning)
I have also applied to some positions for a part time job on campus, but I am not sure how it will work out, as most of the places are already filled. I was a week late) Most students came to Honolulu a couple of weeks before me)
I am thinking to go hiking on Sunday with some students from Austria, Slovenia, and maybe Germany. We will go to the falls, Manoa Falls, through a rainforest) I have already been there once, but it is so great I would love to go there again))
Today is a welcome Friday at HPU. We have lots of free food) But the star of the day is live Hawaiian music and hula dancing)) And all this is right on campus)
Oh, this had been a long and fun week! It started on Monday, the second day of being in Honolulu. I got up in the early morning because I had to check in at the university. I came in, met very many international students, most of whom were from Germany, about 60% of them! We had a welcoming presentation, covering visa, passport, registration and other pretty important issues and rules, and then switched to a culture shock session, which appeard to be a lot of fun)
The next day we had a Student and Parents Reception, where we were welcomed, wished luck and success and told a bit about university’s goals and diversity. There were about 1000 people at this reception! There was live Hawaiian music, some hula dancing, Italian, Japanese, and Hawaiian food, and, of course, a lot of communicating and chatting))
The whole week we had many sessions for new and international students, as well as some fun activities. For example, we had a tour and hiking to the Diamond Head, a former volvano crater, which used to be active a very long time ago. Now it is green and nice))
We also have been to a very beautiful beach in Hawaii, Kailua Beach. That’s fun when you are walking along the beach and everybody you see is from your new university)) This is the place where I tried wind-surfing for the first time)) It was so much fun! Of course, I kept falling at first, but it was great! Feeling the wind come to you and then going together! Feels wonderful!
We had some tours around the city as well. What I really liked in this orientation is that they prepared a lot of activities for the students, and we could choose what we liked. Everything was very well organized, with both necessary and entertaining activities. Oh, and we all watched a movie on campus, had a chance to watch a volleyball game, see a dance performance, and a lot more!
This was a great time! And then the Sunday came)
I have never seen the ocean like this before! So calm, mysterious, so graceful, and magnificent. It is in a harmony with the sky, making an eternal duet of peace and life. The sun is joining them spreading the gentle light over the shining surface of the ocean and softening the blue color of the sky. Something is so different about all these. I wish my Friends could see it. What are they doing right now? I am already confused with the time, perhaps they are sleeping and seeing sweet dreamsJ My Friends…
My Dear Friends! When I was a little girl and dreamed about being friends with everybody, even with the birds and animals, just like in the fairy talesJ , somebody told me that to find a true friend is a great happiness which could happen to a person only a couple of times in his life. As far as I know, this is true.
My Dear Friends, I hope you know that every single minute spent with you was precious. Laughing, arguing, talking, studying, crying, being silent lost in our own thoughts … every moment will stay in my heart forever.
My Dear Friends, thank you for being who you are. Thank you for helping me understand what is most important in my life, thank you for letting help you when you needed, thank you for telling the truth, thank you for listening to me, thank you for being with me, thank you for understanding what I was longing to say when I just could not for any reasons.
My Dear Friends, you showed me life from a different point of view. You showed me something I earlier did not even think could be true. Unknowingly, you taught me so much, and whether the “lessons” were fun or painful, thank you.
I am not a kind of person who says those words often, but this is what I would like you to know: I love you, my Friends. I had enough time to understand and acknowledge it, enough time to think about it. Though we are on different sides of the planet, and I feel like something is going to burst out of me, I am gladJ .
I did not think it would be so hard to leave. What is it? Three more hours till the plane reaches Honolulu. Three more hours till the new life. I hope we manage to keep our friendship. Hm.. tears.. warm, salty. So strange.. I feel soooo awful and at the same time I am soooo happy to feel this. All real, all true, I guess this is what matters.
You stand next to the window, breathing in very warm summer, yet fresh night air.. thinking.. You feel like life allows you to feel that it cares about you, presenting you with gifts made of your wishes, putting them just into your hands. All you need to do is take them. And you hesitate. You are not sure.. You are glad you have the chance, but you do not know whether you should use it or not. So easy.. and yet so hard…
No wind outside.. And the storm inside you. It seems like the tempest breaks away from you soul and makes the trees in front of your window stir. The air around you gatheres your emotions and affects with them everything around you. And for many moments you charge each other wishing them to calm..
Almost the whole moon is right in front of you.. You look at it desperately seeking the answer to your question. It looks back to you indulgently and silently smiling. It sees everything in the world and it has been so since the beginning. What can it say? The decision is at your hands.
The stars embellish the sky making company to the moon. Little sparkling dots to the human eye, enormous power in fact. Such distance, such impact. Deep inside, you know the answer long beforehand.
300 days ago you dreamed of making it real.. Time goes by, many things change. So did you and some of your values. Now you know for sure…
I know that many people on the planet know this feeling…When you dream about something you really need, you picture your dream coming true, you think about it every minute… and you know that the chances of turning the dream into reality are desperately small, you feel such pain and emptiness you can’t even describe. You feel broken apart; you feel the pieces of your soul and mind flying away into all different directions. You know it will take so much time to bring them back together! And sometimes you blame yourself. Your hope fails… The last thing you could rely on…fails…
Not to hope and not to wait anything? But aren’t these parts of life? We all feel and we all suffer. And those who say they are masters of controlling their feelings and emotions, are the ones with immense and strong feelings. Most often those feelings are kept inside, under huge lock, somewhere very very deep inside, in the middle of the soul, in the corner of the heart.
But one day, when you are least prepared, when you think there are even not enough reasons, this room with the feelings, which are kept under the lock, explodes. And this is when it can be too late… this is when it becomes really dangerous. You try to lock the room again, but you are already too weak to do it. And, never started, everything ends again. Time passes… you revive… And everything goes in circle again. And this is when the question comes – what for is all that? What should it lead to? Should it at all lead somewhere, to something? Where is the limit? Is there a limit? Where is this last line? Should it lead to something that people call happiness but that many of them do not know what it is?
Every one of us is searching for something, every one of us asks questions, every one of us feels. This is how we all are alike. We all feel. All! This is why…
Not to wait anything and not to wish anything in order to live easier, without pain, without anything, or to feel and suffer in order to live? And this is the personal choice and the right of everyone.
Yes, we always have a choice.. is it a good one or is it the most difficult we have ever made, we still always have a choice. Whatever choice we make, we usually will have conflicting feelings about if we did right or wrong. However, whatever choice we make, we should understand that it is a part of our experience, a part of us, it is a part of what made us who we are. Yes, I hope, too, that we will never regret..
Does the stories burn? I believe they do not burn, even if we want them to.. if they are our memories, they do not.. if they are the events, they.. do…
Do you remember? Can we tear up the pages and throw them away? Yes, we can, but that does not mean we can clear the history.. and you know what?..this is not always bad..
Yes, this is our history, we cannot change it, however, our history can influence our future decisions, and our future. Whatever choice or decision we made should teach us something, and if it did, already this means it was not a bad thing. Never regret!
I know the desperation one can feel when he/she does not know what to do, or does not know if he/she did or is doing something right or wrong, or what is one of the most difficult ones – when we do not know what is happening, what is going on at all. However…
Once I was at home, listening to the music.. it was raining outside the window.. rain and music always lead me to thinking over different things. You know what I was thinking about? When time passes, what will I remember? The thought I came to was that I want to remember everything.. whether it was the happiness, the excitement, the desperation, or the pain..
But don’t be afraid of the pain! You will only remember it, you will not feel it.. or at least you will not feel it so sharp and desperately.. just some slight reminder of what you once felt.. and if you felt.. you were alive! Time cures….